F.T.D.Y.

I'm trying to get my thoughts in order about what I was trying to communicate yesterday. About old friends that ditch you. I don't know, I feel like with this person it's always a competition. And it just makes me really frustrated, because this person wanted so bad to be with the "in" crowd of the homeschoolers. Like I know that sounds relatively harmless and a little ridiculous at the same time, and I'm going to admit to you, it's completely foolish to me. I've been over that kind of attention for a really long time. Maybe because I never had it so I learned to deal with it, and now it's evolved into an I-don't-really-care kind of thing, I'm above that kind of crap. This past year has been like that. It sounds really stupid, but Luna from Harry Potter made me realize that if I'm not going to be myself, even if that means I'm not with the cool people, then who will be? Luna made me realize that if I'm not in the "in" crowd, it doesn't really matter, and usually when you've finally let go of that kind of crap you realize that now you have surprisingly risen to being comfortable. You've risen from that. And I'm not going to lie to you, the fact that this "friend" is no longer my friend bothers me. Like I said, I'm better of without them. But that doesn't mean I don't wish we would've left each other on better terms.
I always have this it's-my-fault complex. I used to have really big issues with this cousin of mine, and whenever someone asked me what my deal was with her, I just couldn't answer. And then one day this past year at camp, the youth pastor said, Whatever someone else has done is not your problem. If you can't forgive them for something, remind yourself that whatever they did in general is not your fault, and you can't be responsible for their actions. And it hit me. I am holding myself responsible for everything this cousin has done. And it sounds so...stupid. Every person she's slept with, every lie she's ever spread, every person's feelings she's ever smashed, has nothing. To do. With me. I used to hold her in such high regards, she was like, the ultimate. When I was a little kid I always thought, I wish I had a friend like her. My cousin. She's so cool. And I guess I took it personally all the bad things she's done and never apologized for. And I hurt because of it. I have to remind myself it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Yes, she is still not my favorite person in the world. I'll avoid her if I have to, but if I can't, I can try to be nice and not talk about how stupid she was later. I don't feel resentment or bitter towards her anymore. Everything about her, is not my responsibility. She. Is not my responsibility.
And, back to the first person I was talking about, I still have to make those steps with that person. It's not my responsibility. She is not my responsibility. She did all she could to make it to the top, to be best friends with the "in" crowd, and she did. Boy, she did. She did anything to make it happen. Even ditch the people she was currently best friends with. She hurt feelings. She caused confusion. Honestly, she made it so one of my friends that I knew since we were literally in diapers, no longer talks to me. She's a hypocrite, and if I see all the wrong things in her now, then I shouldn't be her friend anyway. Friends don't pick out all the wrong things with each other. And if they do, they love them despite their flaws anyway. And if I still don't like her after all that's transpired, how am I fit to be her friend if I can't love her despite it? Maybe we're not meant to be friends. Well, I guess that's kind of obvious. I'm not responsible for anything about her. I don't know her anymore. I'm not sure I ever did.
I'm not a very competitive person, well, in some cases. But I feel like everything I do, she tries to make it into a competition and she always beats me at it. I don't want it to be a competition, I don't want to feel beaten in a friendship. I felt so at home when I was at her house, I liked her family, but looking back I wonder if she influenced me when I shouldn't have let her. The friends I have are comfortable with themselves and are comfortable with me, and even though we do stupid things to each other sometimes, we always go back to the loving people that we are at heart. I know this girl isn't really as horrible as I see her, and to her friends she must be golden. But I don't think she was ever golden to me, and I don't think I ever saw her as my friend, looking back. I was trying to convince myself, in the hope that I could have a new friend. But then I realize, why do I need new friends when the ones I have now are so great. At the time I wasn't content with the people I had, and I'll never make that mistake again.